I am listening, waiting for the voice to speak.

But the voice does not come.

The lightbulb remains cold and dark in the void of my mind.

Smothering silence reigns.

I hear nothing, see nothing, feel nothing. There is nothing to perceive.

Each moment passes into the next.

Awkward silence.

Inspiration sought, space given, approached with humble uncertainty.

Nothing.

The time for inspiration comes and goes.

The appointed hour has arrived and retreated.

The audience came and went.

Nothing offered, nothing received.

It all comes to an end.

Before it has even begun.

It is over. Lost. Expired.

Where was my muse?

What have I done to offend her?

Why was I abandoned?

Silence Returns.

Quicker than a ray of light.

Running. Running. Running.

Itemize. List. Run. Run. Run.

Be Powerful!

Drive. Run…

So tired.

We live on a globe, the faster you run, the further you go,

the sooner you realize we’re all going in circles.

Call it exploration. Call it exploitation.

Label it. Categorize it. Collect it. Move on.

I am an experience pack rat. I must collect them all.

Find what you value. Value what you find.

What creates value?

Being physical?

Being intangible?

Being Emotion?

Being Flesh?

When the end comes what will be left?

Who will say my life had value? Who will remember my life?

Does memory mark value?

What are we seeking?

EVERYTHING is busyness. Everything is valuable. Everything is trivial.

All I ever wanted was to help people understand.

All I ever wanted was for the world to make sense.

I was told I was silly, over-ambitious. I don’t like to look the fool.

But I was driven. Driven. So driven.

I refused to believe their chatter.

The chatter became the voice of malcontent in the back of my mind, but my mind went on.

So I strived. strove? struggled. I tried and I tried.

Reaching in all directions. Driven, but directionless.

Seeking a presence, but lacking the tools to present.

I tried and I tried. Reaching in all directions.

Wearing myself down to the nub.

 

Finally, I realized they were right.

I was a fool. This can’t be done. I am lost and wasted.

Was my epiphany the product of awareness?

Or the side effect of resignation?

Had I put enough time into being foolish?

Should I proceed?

 

So much time lost. So much effort lost.

Lost in the gap.

So much fallen through the cracks.

So much lost effort trying to measure up.

Effort lost, giving up. All gone.

 

They were right. I was wrong.

All I wanted was to have an impact. Simple impact.

 

And yet, even in my resignation, I feel it. Calling me to share.

Reaching out to me to reach out to others. Help them understand.

All cannot be lost. The work of a lifetime isn’t finished in an afternoon.

Or 30 afternoons. Or 3000…

 

Heartbreak. Yes.

Pain. Yes.

So many shut down feelings. So much pain avoided by voiding my heart.

Block the pain by ignoring the present. Focus on the elsewhere.

The work remains. It is always there.

 

All I ever wanted was to have an impact.

My work is not over. And only a fool would proceed.

So I must now become the fool.

 

I look back at the others. The voice of dissent. The voices that cautioned me.

They come from their own malcontent. Their own inner demons.

They are not happy voices. They haven’t discovered the path.

They do not know. So, how can they say?

 

Yes, I do not know the path.

But I do not believe I should take direction from the lost.

And so I embrace my role.

I must become the fool.

Or perhaps I must embrace the fool that I have become.

 

All I ever wanted…

All I ever wanted…

The work continues.

 

Namaste,

Kevin

 

special thanks to ‘The Weather Station’ for inspiration: Thirty – here

I feel like it’s all been said. It’s all been done.

There is nothing new under the Sun.

I drive and push and march on and on.

Am I really the only one?

 

I hope for more and settle for less.

I feel lost and hopeless, my life a mess.

I wish I knew all, and must confess,

my goals seem pointless and I’m distressed.

 

And yet there is a ray of hope.

As I trundle down this steepening slope.

A chance for salvation in a narrowing my scope,

To run away and break the rules.

 

Perhaps I’ve simply reached a bit too far,

set my sights upon almost every star.

I’ve sought too much, and understood so little,

I’ve jumped to the end, not lived in the middle.

 

Instead of living within my bounds

and seeking comfort in familiar sounds.

I’ve sought for everything, all that’s found,

instead of being satisfied with what’s around.

 

And if there is, nothing new under the sun,

and if it’s all been said and done.

Then why not seek a little fun?

Seek out and joy and slow my run…

 

I already have all that I need,

I have been blessed abundantly, beyond my greed.

The universe will guide me hence

and I can trust my innate sense.

 

Breath…

 

Namaste,

Kevin