My house is half packed.

I’ve sold or given away about 10 percent of my possessions.

The major change is still yet to come.

We’re moving, selling our house and moving to another city a few hours away.

Saying goodbye to so many people. Saying hello to so many new opportunities.

The movers come in two days, on Friday, to help pack up what we haven’t already. Which is a lot.

From the perspective of someone writing about awareness and change, there are so many themes and ideas at play. So much in flux. So much that will make sense, after the fact. Only after the change, can you understand the change.

Home

Letting go of the house we have lived in for 6 years is difficult.

Both of our children were born, right here in the living room.

We built garden beds, constructed a shed, planted fruit trees. We made this house a home. Now we’re making this home a house.

Letting go

So much time spent gathering things. So many things taking up so much mental space that you don’t even realize they are all there, till you sit down and analyze whether you need the thing… Upon full reflection you realize it is just a thing. Let it go.

I am not a pack rat. I’ve seen what pack rats do. Maybe I’m a pack mouse, a smaller scale pack rat.

In many ways it is easier to throw something away than it is to sell it. The garage sale was an exercise in frustration. Don’t they know my stuff has value? Don’t they know the care I put in to collecting those things? To have someone turn up their nose at an item when you ask 1 dollar for it… Well, it’s insulting. My stuff is precious… But in the end you realize, it’s just stuff.

Let go.

It is a good practice to allow things to flow away from you. Hold on too tightly and your hands will be full when what you really need floats by.

Practice letting go in order to be open to what you need next.

Situational Compassion

It’s easy to be cranky when you’re under this much stress. You pull inside and get defensive because you only have so much energy to go around. “Don’t they know that I’m already overstretched?!!”

It’s easy to lose sight of the fact that we are all in this together.

Remember, what you are going through, so are the people around you. My wife, my children, they are all experiencing the same level of stress and tension that I am.

If we lift each other up during this time, then we’ll all come out with our heads a little higher. It’s easy to think you’re alone when the schedule has your back against the wall.

Remember to practice extending that which you need and you can look for it reflected in others around you.

It’s easy to make mistakes. Release the errors in judgment. Take a breath. Share a hug. Reset. Be the compassionate person you are.

Transition

When you experience a transition, remember to mourn.

You are losing something and loss generates grief. You don’t need to feel guilty for experiencing grief. Sure, there are other people experiencing “real” loss, Death, Marriage disruption, breakups. It’s easy to think of 100 different things that would be worth grieving over… But not your transition.

Why not your transition?

Don’t belittle your experience.

Don’t downplay the experience of now.

Don’t undermine the value of your emotion.

What you are experiencing is real and present.

Be with your grief. Experience you transition in its fullness.

Only then can you let go and be open to what’s coming next.

What’s coming next is going to be wonderful.

But remember it’s also going to the same.

Wherever you go, there you are.

Namaste,

Kevin

I’ve just started keeping bees this year. I’ve learned quite a bit in my studies leading up to my first hive. But I’ve only had my bees now for 2 weeks. It’s amazing to observe their behavior and learn about how a hive operates.

The most recent epiphany in my study of bees comes in relation to a bee swarm.

To begin with, most people freak out at the idea of seeing a giant ball of bees on a tree. It turns out that bees in a swarm are very docile. They don’t have a home to protect. They are huddled around the queen waiting for the scouts to report back that they’ve found a new home.

As part of this swarming and leaving their home and safety they take as much food with them as they can, so they fill their bellies with honey from the old hive. When a bee has a full belly, it makes it very hard for them to sting, because they can’t bend their abdomens. So a bee with a full belly is much less likely to sting you.

But the thing that amazed me most about bees is the story behind the swarm.

When a hive starts to get crowded and there isn’t enough space for all the bees to keep growing and thrive, the queen bee in collaboration with the workers, starts growing a new queen. When the new queen is about to hatch, the existing queen takes about half the bees with her and leaves the hive in search of a new home.

The old queen doesn’t know if their search will succeed, she doesn’t know where they will end up. She’s leaving her home and her honey stores behind for the new queen and the remainder of the hive.

This is equivalent to your parents leaving their house and possessions to you when you graduate college. Then picture your parents heading off to find a new home and start over. Can you imagine?

So when you see a bee swarm, remember the sacrifice this represents. Giving up their home, their safety and risking everything for the benefit of their family.

Namaste,

Kevin

There are certain subjects that are more difficult than others to talk about. Part of the reason for this is ownership. When I completely own and believe an idea, I don’t have a problem sharing it. And if I come across an idea that I don’t own, but want to share, I can always present it as an idea, or a theory. But there are still topics that I’ve come to own, but I know are “out there”, somewhere in the fields of ridicule or things spoken about only with friends behind closed doors.

Aliens, Reincarnation, Near Death Experiences. These tend to fall into the edges of our consciousness and experience. They have a fantastic impact on the big picture of our lives and our existence. But from a day to day prospective they don’t always seem to apply. Additionally they tend to be very difficult to prove. So they fall into personal belief.

Over the past 6 months I’ve been exposed to the idea of Soul Fragments as a means to the universe balancing itself.

The definition of a soul fragment is simple and easy to understand. But it requires a number of correlating beliefs, the lack of any one of these correlating beliefs can make you dismiss the idea utterly and move on with your life.

A soul fragment is an experience from your life that is unprocessed and breaks off when you die. When you die, this experience, this energy, must be accounted for, so the fragment breaks off and goes into a universal pool of unfinished business. When a soul returns to the earth to live another life, a portion of these fragments can be attached to that soul to process in their lifetime. Sometimes the fragments are your own, things that you’ve experienced in your past and haven’t processed. This would often be referred to as karma. Sometimes these fragments are from other people.

I’ve often heard of reincarnation and processing your own experiences from a past life. I’ve even come to believe that the model of reincarnation makes sense to me. I believe that the universe seeks balance and that balance could be more easily accounted for through the process of reincarnation. I can expand on this in another post. But the idea of processing someone else’s experiences was new to me.

I was first introduced to the concept during a session of body talk in the fall. For those not familiar body talk is a combination of eastern practices designed to aid in healing.

I had recently experiences a recurrence of my asthma. It was something that started when I was 12 years old in the 5th grade. During one of my healing sessions it came up that this was a soul fragment from a man that had lived in 1849. He worked at a factory in town that produced a large amount of pollution. When his daughter was 12 she came down with asthma as a result of the pollution and she died shortly thereafter. When the father passed away many years later, he had still never dealt with the guilt of causing this. This memory, this traumatic energy, become a soul fragment, and attached to me when I came here to live this life.

This soul fragment lingered with me until I was in the 5th grade, when I was 12 years old, and manifested in a major asthma attack. I’ve dealt with asthma on and off throughout my life, ever since that first attack.

During the session the soul fragment was identified and the energy released. I was still uncertain about the soul fragment concept. But I can tell you I haven’t had an asthma attack since.

I’m still processing. Still trying to understand what I believe. Lack of evidence is not proof, but it certainly is compelling. There is more to this story of soul fragments, and if enough interest is shown, I’m willing to share. But I’m sure I’ve stretched a few of my readers enough for now.

Namaste,

Kevin

The word agnostic comes from the Greek language and means “Without Knowledge”.

Specifically, when the term is applied to spirituality it is defined to mean: “A person who believes that nothing is known or can be known of the existence or nature of God or of anything beyond material phenomena.”

I’ve been meaning to learn the Greek for “knows too much”. I often feel that I’ve lost sight of the wonder of the world around me. It’s very obvious when I interact with my 3-year-old. She sees wonder in the most mundane objects. The other day she was completely mesmerized by the bandage on my finger, she had to have one of her own! It was simply the best thing ever.

In many areas my knowledge has become a liability. Knowing too much has caused me to think I understand all, I have lost sight of the wonder that is all around.

When you are learning about a topic, there is a point where you are at the right level of information to understand the object and start to use it. If you continue to dig beyond that level, you may learn more, but the value of the topic may become overwhelmed by your knowledge of the topic.

There is a point where you have the appropriate level of knowledge and digging deeper is not beneficial.

Here is an example. If you were to look at a simple tool like a spoon, you could quickly ascertain the purpose and utility of the device. You can use the spoon to eat, or shovel dirt, or do whatever you feel like. This is an appropriate, or at least practical, level of knowledge. You understand the tool and can understand it’s purpose with the information you have.

Maybe you find that you really like spoons and you start taking spooning classes. You get all sorts of new ideas about what else you can do with a spoon. Transport water, pry open lids on  jars, etc. You are learning about the utility of a tool.

Imagine, that at some point in the future, you have learned all the potential uses of the spoon and you still think it is the most wonderful invention ever. So you try to dig deeper. You start to learn about where spoons come from and spoon making. You break the spoon down to a list of materials. You may now be delving into a realm that will break the mystery. The deeper you go, the more you begin to own it. The more you began to own it, the less you wonder at it.

Often we get so wrapped up in completely understanding things, or even just wrapped up in using a tool, that we lose sight of the wonder of if all.

It’s like losing sight of the forest because you’re so focused on the individual trees.

When it comes to God I am truly agnostic, or at least I attempt to be. I have been told a lot about God over the years. Interestingly, the further I dig into any given ‘truth’, that I have been told, the more those ideas fall apart. I find that I know nothing of God. The knowledge that I do have is really suspect and usually muddies my experience of the mystery of God.

I am in favor of further study of life and God and, well you name it. I love philosophy and I want to know more. But I have also found that the more I know, sometimes leads to, lessening of experience. There is a powerful value in knowing where to stop.

There is a time to stop, accept and appreciate certain things in life without digging so deeper. If you’re not careful you can get buried in the atomic structure and miss the bigger mystery.

If we approach life with the idea that we know nothing, we are much more likely to experience life itself instead of our own idea of the thing.

Take a few moments after you read this and think about a place where you know too much. Then take a few steps back, from your massive accumulation of knowledge, and look from the trees out to the forest. See if you can recapture the wonder that pulled you into learning in the first place.

Namaste,

Kevin

We are all laboring under the false impression that we are single minded. That we have a single driving force motivating us, thinking for us (with us?), watching out for us.

In truth we are a collective of minds with different goals and rules.

The old mind, is the seat of impulsive reaction and addiction. The place of animal instinct and gut feelings. It is often referred to as the Reptile Brain. This part of our mind can respond immediately to threats or temptations.

When we experience good things, winning a game of chance or catching the eye of a potential mate, dopamine is released into the brain causing the experience of pleasure. The resulting desire for more pleasure can lead to addictive behaviors.

Similarly, negative occurrences lead the old brain to try to avoid situations. The reptile brain recognizes when a bad situation is approaching and seeks to help us scurry away, to avoid recurrence of the bad thing. Always seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. This mind often has a mind of it’s own and we find ourselves subconsciously guided by it. When we do become consciously aware of its actions our attempt to override its desires can turn into a negotiation. This can be seen as an effort of will when the logical mind attempts to out maneuver the reptile through negotiation or subterfuge.

There is also the autonomic mind. The autonomic mind could be argued to be part of the old mind. This part of the mind keeps things running without you needing to think about it, automatically as it were. While you are reading this, the autonomic system is keeping your heart beating, your lungs breathing, your stomach digesting. This mind can run everything from the immune system to your digestive tract. It knows what needs to be done and does it. It is often difficult to even override the autonomic mind and decide to do something manually.

It is difficult to alter what the autonomic mind is doing. But it has a relatively easy time altering what you do. When your heart starts to fail, you don’t just get to override, it gets the attention of all your minds. When these automatic systems do interfere, it is usually in a big way. Suddenly nothing else gets done, while you work out how to resolve the problem with these systems, that we normally take for granted.

The new mind is the seat of logic and reason. It also encompasses pattern recognition and memory of things past. The new mind is the creator of ideas. Higher level emotions and reasoning come from the new mind. A combination of ideas from the past and imagination of what our future will hold, these are the constructs of the new mind.

Creativity is a benefit of the new mind, the ability to adapt and improvise. Coming up with a novel solution to a problem is where the new mind shines. This is where we most often analyze problems and think through moral issues and debates.

The observer mind could be argued to be simply a part of the ‘new mind’. However, when witnessing as the observer, it feels like a separate mind entirely. When in meditation, or simply practicing awareness, this observer is able to observe what is occurring in each of the aforementioned minds.

You can witness the transactions of the logical mind.

You can observe the reptile instincts as they jump into a defensive stance.

You can observe the autonomic mind as your breath flows stealthily in and out.

Our motivations, actions and influences aren’t always obvious. We frequently are not single minded. It can be very helpful, to take time each day, to learn to observe and note the subtle interplay of yourself with your self.

Remember to be graceful with your judgment and interplay as you observe your self.

When you just can’t seem to calm your monkey mind down, cut yourself some slack. Remember you have got a lot on your minds. Learn to relax and watch the show.

Namaste,

Kevin

What are you looking forward to?

At the time I’m writing this I am eagerly awaiting the registration time for the Google Developer conference. Registration opens at 7am sharp and tends to close at 7:00:05am

I got in 2 years ago when the tickets sold out in 5 minutes. Last year I missed as the tickets sold in less than a minute.

It’s a good conference. But there is a chance that I won’t enjoy the conference nearly as much as the challenge of getting a ticket.

By the time I publish this article I will either be profoundly elated that I was one of the chosen few, a statistical anomaly resulting from my effort, the speed of my internet connection and a roll of dice (metaphorically speaking). The joy and excitement is palpable.

One of the reasons that I’m able to enjoy this moment so much is that I have let go of the outcome. I am looking forward to the delight of getting a ticket while at the same time accepting that I am part of a large group of people excited about something where only a few will succeed.

Now I’m 30 minutes into the process of trying to get a ticket. Excitement waning.

There are many things in life like this. The excitement and anticipation far outweigh the actual experience. So it would seem to really benefit us to embrace the joy of the build up. Accept the excitement and potential of the upcoming moment without worrying about the outcome. Allow for joy in the face of uncertainty. And most of all remember it’s all part of elaborate game that we call life.

Namaste,

Kevin

P.S. – Still no ticket. 30 minutes of trying later. Attempts keep timing out.

Today I had to catch the 7am train. I pulled into my parking spot at 6:59. I understand it was my fault I was running late. Before I could hop on the train I had to pay for parking. So I went down the pay station. Two were available and there was only one person in front of me at each. Both apparently unfamiliar with computers and how to slide a credit card. The train was sitting impatiently on the other side of the tracks. I knew it could take off any moment… I wanted to scream “Don’t you know I’m in a hurry?”, but discretion won out and I waited patiently while they each started a second cumbersome transaction. Finally, one completed his transaction and headed toward the train. With the lightning speed that I imagined I moved, I began to tap the buttons and pay for my parking. Upon completion I headed quickly toward the train only to find a bottle neck of people waiting for the train gate to stop blinking and lift.

I made the train. And I realized that it felt like much ado about nothing… But the whole event was  quite a moment for observation of my monkey mind and my ego. My ego highlighted that I was the most important actor in this drama unfolding. Meanwhile my monkey mind was agitated and creating the drama which I then saw unfold. Looking back through the morning I can see the chain of events and decisions that lead to my arrival at the station at 6:59. I could see the interactions that each chained into the next causing my time line to occur at exactly that speed at which it did, no more, no less.

It is a powerful reminder of the way our minds work. These events could have lead me to feeling like a victom. I could have approached this with a “Why does this always happen to me attitude”. I could have approached it as a cornered warrior, lashing out at those perceived threats that were holding me back from victory over adversity.

Gratefully, I approached it, at least externally, with a calm, but eager resolve to achieve my goal. I have no traffic laws broken and no assault charges levied against me (as there were not assaults, verbal or otherwise). I have a moment for reflection instead of regret.

I am also pleased to report that the world would have kept rolling forward had I missed my train. But I am grateful that I didn’t.

Namaste,

Kevin

“This is how an idea becomes real.

But ideas are fragile things.

Most don’t make it long outside the ether from which they are pulled, kicking and screaming. That’s why people create with someone else.

Two minds can sometimes improve the odds of an ideas survival…” Saga by Brian K. Vaughan – Graphic Novel – Opening Narration

Working alone is brilliant. It’s a fantastic means of starting unfettered to move forward. But there are limits to it’s effectiveness.

There are two major concerns when working in isolation.

1) You don’t believe any of your great ideas could be real and they die before they take their first breath.

2) You believe all of your ideas are real and spend all your time trapped in your delusions without having a positive impact on the world.

This is where creating through partnership is fantastic. The use of a wise partner to work with and run ideas by is crucial to effective idea incubation.

Being able to choose the right ideas to grow and which ideas to let go of, can help so much in bringing your dreams into reality.

It is crucial that you pick the right person or group to work with on your ideas. Be shrewd in your choices. Some people will shoot down everything you suggest. Others will agree with everything. Both of these inputs are not valuable. Find people with like minded goals and motivations. Build relationships with people that cover your weaknesses and benefit from your strengths.

Find someone you can nurture your ideas with.

Find someone you can create with.

Find a community you can engage with.

If you can’t find a community of people that embody what you need, build one. Seek out the people that you need and that need you. You’re looking for a partnership. They are out there.

Remember you are awesome.

Go do something fantastic.

Namaste,

Kevin

Definition: Chaos – Behavior so unpredictable as to appear random, owing to great sensitivity to small changes in conditions.

Change is my Achilles heal.

I love change and I dread it.

Usually once things have changed, I find that change is not so bad. Typically, with change, I gain experience, and that leads to learning something. I love knowledge, so this is a big win for me. Which is why I love change.

Change also means that all the things I am used to and comfortable with might shift or simply go away. I love being comfortable with my environment and having an idea of what will happen next. So this is why I hate change.

Trapped in this duality between boredom and adrenal fatigue, I tend to oscillate back and forth between, alternately seeking out change and running away from change. As you can imagine, it is a rather frantic way to live and leads to a lot of energy spent for not much result. AKA, much ado about nothing…

There has been a pretty consistent history of this kind of behavior from me:

I want to go away to another state for college.

About 6 months into school, “I want to move back home”.

I want to get married.

About 6 days into the honeymoon, “I can’t believe I’m married”.

Let’s have kids.

About 6 months into fatherhood, “I don’t want to be a dad”.

Gratefully in all the above examples, and many others, I have managed to get the help I needed to stick it out. I found people that I could talk through the issues with and also allowed myself to go through the process knowing, “I have survived the past, odds are I will survive the future.”

In each case I’m grateful to say that the change has stuck. Though I still pinch myself some days when I realize I’m actually a Dad. “Who let that happen?”

I am delighted to report, as of this writing, that I have a brand new 5 day old baby boy. He was born healthy, weighing in as a considerable 10-lbs chunk. As my second child the change is slightly less dramatic/traumatic. But it’s still change and change is good/change is bad. I love/hate change.

I’m very excited to have a new baby boy. But the strain on the family as we all deal with this change has been tremendous.

Our 3-year-old got sick.

Our sleep cycles have all been disrupted.

Our Stamina has been tested to the limits.

He’s only 5 days old, what does the future hold?

The short answer: The future holds change.

What I am learning is that me stressing about things not going according to plan, doesn’t really change anything.

Ideally we would all enter into this miracle of birth at the peak of health.

Ideally we would find a rhythm with two children that would enable us to get full nights of sleep.

Ideally my schedule would return to normal and I could resume my normally roster of activities.

But that is not how chaos and change work.

Change requires us to become comfortable with the new and let go of the old. What you consider normal is what used to be normal. But by definition the old normal is now abnormal. You must come to terms with the new normal.

So my task, and yours if you choose to take it on, is to embrace change and the chaos that comes with it. I don’t know what will be required of me 5 minutes from now. I don’t know if I’ll be able to move forward with my plans for tomorrow. But I do know that everything will be okay.

I have survived the past, odds are I will survive the future.

Namaste,

Kevin