All I Ever Wanted

All I ever wanted was to help people understand.

All I ever wanted was for the world to make sense.

I was told I was silly, over-ambitious. I don’t like to look the fool.

But I was driven. Driven. So driven.

I refused to believe their chatter.

The chatter became the voice of malcontent in the back of my mind, but my mind went on.

So I strived. strove? struggled. I tried and I tried.

Reaching in all directions. Driven, but directionless.

Seeking a presence, but lacking the tools to present.

I tried and I tried. Reaching in all directions.

Wearing myself down to the nub.

 

Finally, I realized they were right.

I was a fool. This can’t be done. I am lost and wasted.

Was my epiphany the product of awareness?

Or the side effect of resignation?

Had I put enough time into being foolish?

Should I proceed?

 

So much time lost. So much effort lost.

Lost in the gap.

So much fallen through the cracks.

So much lost effort trying to measure up.

Effort lost, giving up. All gone.

 

They were right. I was wrong.

All I wanted was to have an impact. Simple impact.

 

And yet, even in my resignation, I feel it. Calling me to share.

Reaching out to me to reach out to others. Help them understand.

All cannot be lost. The work of a lifetime isn’t finished in an afternoon.

Or 30 afternoons. Or 3000…

 

Heartbreak. Yes.

Pain. Yes.

So many shut down feelings. So much pain avoided by voiding my heart.

Block the pain by ignoring the present. Focus on the elsewhere.

The work remains. It is always there.

 

All I ever wanted was to have an impact.

My work is not over. And only a fool would proceed.

So I must now become the fool.

 

I look back at the others. The voice of dissent. The voices that cautioned me.

They come from their own malcontent. Their own inner demons.

They are not happy voices. They haven’t discovered the path.

They do not know. So, how can they say?

 

Yes, I do not know the path.

But I do not believe I should take direction from the lost.

And so I embrace my role.

I must become the fool.

Or perhaps I must embrace the fool that I have become.

 

All I ever wanted…

All I ever wanted…

The work continues.

 

Namaste,

Kevin

 

special thanks to ‘The Weather Station’ for inspiration: Thirty – here

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